i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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