there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
