what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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