cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
