My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
