My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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