If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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