Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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