please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
