Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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