and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
