The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
