Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
