How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Mom said you looked used
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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