Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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