A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
