pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
