I need to stop coming to work sober
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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