I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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