I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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