Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
