He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
