Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
