true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
