i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You're like the curious george of whores
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
