I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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