Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
