Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
