Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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