my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I need to stop coming to work sober
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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