I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
