sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
