i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
