Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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