The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
