I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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