i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
