you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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