She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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