no one should ever give us hovercrafts
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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