It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
