I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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