he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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