I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
