I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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