Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
