Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
