She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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