just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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