the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
someone owes me an orgasm
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
