I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
