i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize