My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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