So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
