I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
