You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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