"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
