she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
