one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
