Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
