I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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