He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
