so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize