I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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