Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
