Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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