??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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