I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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